Can you be in a dysfunctional relationship with a client?
I’ve been very lucky. I’ve been in business for myself nearly 20 years, and my clients are wonderful. I have very rarely had cause for alarm in any respect. I know that I have been lucky and I am so thankful for knowing and working with so many wonderful people.
That being said…
Generally speaking, I will go really far down a road to make sure a relationship goes smoothly, even if it puts me out considerably. I think most people who know me understand this and they respect reasonable boundaries. Occasionally though, I get took. I’ve had to learn to be vigilant in who I give my time away to, and to choose carefully. Sometimes it’s hard to see it coming, but very often the sheer fact that someone may be expecting a lot more from you than you would normally give is in itself the giveaway. When this happens, most times I’ve found that people just don’t understand what they’re asking for is a lot – but there are those who do and expect it anyway. Telling the difference is a lesson, I hate to admit, I have learned the hard way.
How much should you bend, and what is the breaking point?
Let me give an example. Years ago, I made a mistake – a big mistake. I broke one of the basic promises I made to myself when I started my business: don’t put too many eggs in one basket. I’d seen too many agencies sink because of this exact problem and I wanted to shield myself. And I did, for many years. But then the recession happened.
A couple years into the recession, when I’d seen so many of my friends losing their jobs, and I was having a really hard to keep enough work coming through the door, I met a potential client. This opportunity could become a continuous stream of projects for years to come for me and my associates. Score! Except for the fact that during our first meeting, all my warning bells went off. Here’s what I’d noticed:
- Unfounded suspiciousness
- Complaining about my predecessor
- Outlandish, (and I found out later, unlawful), non compete demands
There were red flags everywhere, but considering where I was at that moment, I decided to set my misgivings aside and do my best to make that relationship work. Red flags, warning bells and all. And we did get a lot of work for a few years – work which kept us afloat during a very tough time. This is not to be diminished, and I will always be grateful for that. However, with this relief came a lot of trouble, because this person was actually a huge problem. Here were the red flags – personality issues – that were obvious once we started working with this person:
- Never being happy with anything, ever, no matter how much we tried
- Always asking for further and deeper discounts despite being given a discount price out of the gate
- Demands for freebie work from me and my associates
- Insisting on more and more services while offering no more pay
- Very slow to pay invoices
- Continued unwarranted suspiciousness
- An ongoing “or else” atmosphere
- Huge overreaction whenever challenged on anything
- Scapegoating and triangulation
Well – after a few years of escalating tensions I finally quit. I quit when this person owed my business a sizable amount of money because as stated above, we were never paid on time. I quit after years of spending so much time trying to please an unpleaseable person that I’d let my own business prospecting slide. When I quit, the feeling of relief was amazing. I was giddy, even though I was taking a huge loss and there was little business in the hopper. The big mistake I made was not just in working with this person in the first place – it was to continue working with this person once I knew who they were. And worse, to let them take up so much of my time that I was not preparing for the inevitable, the day when I would have to leave the situation.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles
I look back and I know why I stuck around. As in a dysfunctional relationship, I made the mistake of thinking that if I only tried hard enough I could somehow fix the situation. There was enough work there to keep me and my associates busy – such a relief when work was so hard to come by. So just stay the course and I’ll be fine, right? Surely given enough time this person would see me for what I am – a person of integrity, experience, talent – trying my hardest every day to make this work. Eventually, I thought, my efforts would be appreciated.
What I didn’t know then, was that nothing I did mattered. This person does not think like me, much the opposite. So instead of appreciation, I got took. I was in a dysfunctional working relationship and I was the sucker. And it was no coincidence that the final blow that left me no alternative but to quit, landed when I was owed a lot of money. Yes. This is the kind of person I was dealing with.
If you feel like you’re getting took, you probably are
There’s a line from the movie “The Apartment” with Shirley MacLain and Jack Lemmon. Shirley’s character says “Some people take, some people get took. And they know they’re getting took and there’s nothing they can do about it.” Well, I beg to differ. We may get took but we can learn to not get took by the next taker.
I learned that no matter how attractive a situation seems, I have to trust my gut. The gut does not lie. If the gut shouts at you, or even rumbles a bit, just back away. No short term pay off is worth this kind of compromise.
I have met with a few questionable leads since then, and I have passed on the projects. I don’t know if my gut feeling was right about these people but I didn’t stick around to find out.
Regarding this past situation – I’m out of it and honestly, I have no regrets. It was a hard lesson but obviously one that I needed to learn. When I find myself ruminating over what I could have done differently, which occasionally still happens, I shift my focus. I celebrate the fact that I’m doing much better now, I’ve met tons of great clients since then and they all rock. And also, that I am stronger for this experience. I have learned to keep an eye out for takers and not get took.
And that’s the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.
Transcript
MacLaine: Do you mind opening that window?
Lemmon: Now don’t go getting any ideas, Miss Kubalek.
MacLaine: I just want some fresh air.
Lemmon: It’s only one story down, the best you can do is break a leg.
MacLaine: So they’ll shoot me, like a horse.
Lemmon: Please, Miss Kubalek, you gotta promise me, you won’t do anything foolish.
MacLaine: Who’d care?
Lemmon: I would!
MacLaine: Why can’t I ever fall in love with someone nice like you?
Lemmon: Yeah, well, that’s the way it crumbles, cookie-wise. Go to sleep.
